Tear
by C.W. Smith
Summary: If you lost everything, then were forced to watch your ghost have all you ever wanted, how long would it take before you went mad?


Tear

Chapter 1: The End is the Beginning

An Evangelion Fanfiction

By: LD

Disclaimer: Don't own it, don't have it, can't buy it. That is all.

"_This is it."_

"Overload eminent!"

"_This is how it ends."_

"Unit-01 power levels are spiking!"

"_I survived everything that was thrown at me, even though everyone else died."_

"Cut all power and attempted to bleed all excess energy through the sixth, tenth, and seventeenth fuses!"

"_I made it through the entire war."_

"Negative! All fuses are blown already! Ten seconds to critical!"

"_And now after all that this is how I die."_

"CLEAR THE CAGE NOW!"

"_Asuka, Misato, Rei, I'm coming."_

"We have a body, he's alive!"

"_I'll see you soon, in a place where our pain is no more."_

"It's impossible, he was already dead."

--

The room was still save for the medical equipment monitoring the small spark of life within the boy. He lay there hooked up to machines meant to monitor his life and alert the doctors to any changes. As his eyes fluttered open the pain made it clear that he was not dead. He could feel his arm stinging as if it had been broken, a look at the heavy cast on his right proved that much. He wasn't dead yet physically, but he might as well be after all the loss.

He didn't see the people watching him through the one-way mirror to his room. Didn't notice the old gray haired man watching him, or the other two people there.

"He's awake," Sub-Commander Fuyutsuki said.

"What are his injuries?"

"Broken right arm, three broken ribs and a concussion Commander," Fuyutsuki answered.

"What does the DNA profile say?"

Dr. Akagi answered, "DNA profile comes back exact match for Pilot Shinji Ikari."

"And the MAGI? What was their determination?" the commander asked, no emotion what so ever betrayed.

"Depends on how you ask the question. If you ask them for a determination based souly on DNA they are one hundred percent affirmative. You ask if this is the Shinji Ikari reported dead after the Twelfth Angel they say ten percent that it's him." Dr. Akagi reported.

"What accounts for the discrepancy?"

"The fact that people don't come back form the dead, however due to the nature of the Sea of Dirac they are willing to give him the benefit of a doubt."

"I see," the commander answered. Neither of the other two could figure out just what the Commander was thinking.

"What should we tell the other pilots?" Fuyutsuki asked.

"For now nothing. We need to figure out what he knows, and if he is who the DNA says he is," the Commander answered.

Fuyutsuki nodded and turned to the Commander. While the voice had been cold and analytical the eyes were completely different. Commander Katsuragi was torn as she watched this boy awaken in his surroundings. Ever since the Third Child had fallen in the battle with the Twelfth all the life seemed to have drained from her. Her only driving goal was to make damned sure her other pilots came through alive.

"Is it possible that both answers are right?" Commander Misato Katsuragi asked.

Ritsuko didn't know how to answer that, "I suppose it is possible, but we are still trying to figure out what caused the overload. Unit-01 hasn't been activated since the Dummy Plug was used to subdue and destroy the Thirteenth. I've got Nagisa and Suzahara coming in so we can try to get a good activation. Unit-01 though is extremely picky about it's pilot though."

The Commander nodded in affirmation. They all stood there and watched as the boy stirred and tried to go back to sleep. Every instinct in her body was screaming for her to go in there, but she couldn't risk it. As much as she cared for the boy she wouldn't allow it to cloud her judgment. As much as it disgusted her she admitted that this must have been how Gendo Ikari had been able to send him into battle all those times. It made her sick.

"Fuyutsuki, you'll handle the interrogation. If this is an alternate version of Shinji Ikari then we need to know how different he is from ours. He always had minimal contact with you, so you should be the least threatening to him," she said.

"Any suggestions on the interrogation?"

"He suffered a concussion from the blast. Simply ask him questions under the pretense that you are making sure his memory hasn't been damaged."

Ritsuko wrote something on her clipboard, "At least it seems we now have a viable pilot for Unit-01."

"No, we don't." Commander Katsuragi said.

Akagi frowned, "He's the best chance we have to activate that Eva. We have to take the opportunity."

"I said no. The Third Child is dead Doctor. I will not force someone from another world to take his place just because it is convenient. I leave the rest in your hands Sub-Commander." Katsuragi said then turned and walked away.

Akagi shook her head and looked towards the old professor, "She is making a mistake."

Kozo just looked into the hospital room, "She is right though. We don't even know if this Ikari is from a world that even had an Evangelion project. Is there anyway we can get him home?"

Akagi shook her head, "No, the amount of power required to even open up a hole in dimensions shouldn't be possible. Perhaps there was something left from the time Unit-01 was trapped in the Sea of Dirac. I won't have a working theory until I go over all MAGI data."

"Get to it then Doctor." Fuyutsuki said as he watched the boy through the window.

--

It was early evening when Fuyutsuki returned to the Commander's office. The questioning of their guest had taken longer then he had wanted. Just seeing how the boy answered his questions sent shivers down his spine. His voice sounded too much like his fathers for the old professor. The answers showed him why, making the old man feel even older.

"How did it go?" Katsuragi asked.

"We know two things. The first is that his world was extremely close to ours. Everything he said up until we lost our Pilot Ikari matches up. Even the attack of the Thirteenth was similar except that he was alive as was Commander Ikari. Everything else, he's already fought and come through that war. As far as he knows everyone except for myself and a few others are dead. That includes you," Fuyutsuki answered. The way the boy had described his Misato's death however came straight to mind.

"And the second thing we know?" Commander Katsuragi asked.

"That he won the war on that other side."

"Has Akagi confirmed where he came from?" his superior asked. She was so cold these days, but he could catch a hint of something breaking through. She hadn't allowed much to do so since the Third Child had fallen to the Twelfth. The only person she seemed to open up to these days was Asuka.

"She has a working theory after looking over the data. MAGI detected what looked like an energy field about a meter forward of Unit-01's core a microsecond before our guest arrived. She believes there was some powerful explosion on the other end that opened a tear in dimensions. Because of the nature of the Twelfth there was some connection between the two Eva's and he came along that path."

Katsuragi nodded, then turned in her seat to stare out the large windows in the back of her office. She didn't say anything, but as Fuyutsuki approached her from the side he could see a lone tear fall down her cheek.

"He went through this Hell and gets blown, literally, right back into a worse world for his trouble," she said, the first real hint of how hard it was for her right now breaking through.

"You want to be with him, I understand. I've known his family longer then anyone here and I know you were the closest thing he could remember as real family. Still, he's gone now and it would be unfair to use this one as a stand in for ours," he said.

Katsuragi nodded, "He's fought his war, let us fight our own. How long before the doctors will release him medically?"

"Seven days, they want to make sure his ribs have set and that there is no risk of one rebreaking and potentially puncturing a lung. We have that much time to prepare for after," Fuyutsuki said.

Commander Katsuragi stood and faced her Sub Commander, "I take it there is no way back for him?"

"None, we can't generate the amount of power needed to recreate what happened. Even if we did, I doubt we'd be able to get him back to the same world he left. There are just too many variables to account for, even the MAGI are giving the idea a 0.000000001% success rate."

"An o-nine situation, then this is his home now. We will do what we can for this wayward child. But as far as Unit-01 is concerned the Third Child is still dead. Am I clear?"

"Crystal," Fuyutsuki said then left the commander to her thoughts.

--

"I'm still alive," was one of the few thoughts going through Shinji's head as he lay there recovering. After the Sub-Commander had seen him no one else had. That was expected, no one was left that cared about him.

"Asuka, Misato, Rei I just want to see you again. Still, you would all be mad at met for dying at this point I bet."

His chest still hurt through the pain medication. He didn't know how long he had actually been there in that hospital room, but it could be forever as far as he cared. He didn't have anyone waiting for him to get out and come home. He didn't have anything to look forward to in this world, not anymore. Why though, why was he the one who was still alive?

"Why couldn't I have saved you all?" he whispered.

Rei and his mother had both given him the choice. Death or Rebirth. Perhaps this had been what they had meant. His chance to find his own peace in this world of agony. He couldn't save those he had cared about, but he could find something in this world to hold on to... maybe.

--

The briefing room felt crowed to Touji. It seemed everyone from the command bridge and the pilot corp had been pulled in for this briefing. That in and of itself wasn't out of the ordinary, however the two people standing on either side of him being there was. He had been told to bring Kensuke and Hikari along for this briefing, which didn't make any sense. They were civilians, not personnel. Granted Kensuke would have preferred to be part of the piloting corp but Shinji's death along with Touji's own injuries had tempered his small friends desires. The artificial arm and leg still felt odd to him, but it was better then the alternative. He glanced over at Hikari and noticed her scanning the room. He knew who she was looking for. But then again Asuka was no longer active.

He just hoped that the red head had been able to forgive herself for Shinji's death. He did see the distinctive blue mop of hair that was Rei Ayanami standing off away from the others. Touji didn't know how close the albino girl had been to Shinji, but she had been close to Commander Ikari. With both Ikari's dead Rei seemed lost now. At school she kept up the facade, however after having trained and piloted with her Touji knew she was trying to find her way. Before her gaze was simply cold, but directed. Now it seemed hollow.

"Suzahara."

"Nagisa," Touji replied back curtly. He didn't trust the Fifth Child. There was something about the gray haired boy he didn't like. He couldn't place his finger on it though. The first time Touji had had a chance to speak with the Fifth the kid had started asking about Shinji. This was a little too soon, and Touji blew him off. Later he found that the Nagisa had been asking everyone that question. Asuka hadn't taken that line of questioning well.

"How is Asuka doing?" Touji asked Hikari.

"I saw her at school yesterday but she still wouldn't talk more then a few words," Hikari answered, her voice was full of sorrow for her friend.

"It's not right those two aren't here to see this through," Kensuke said.

"One dead, two barely alive. We're not doing so well in this war are we?" Touji said.

The conversation died quickly as the three children reflected. It wasn't long lived as the three senior officers entered the room. Everyone rose to attention then sat when Commander Katsuragi gave the word. Except for the pilots in the back everyone took their seats.

"Two days ago at approximately fourteen-hundred hours Unit-01's core began to go critical during scheduled maintenance on the chest armor. All attempts to stabilize the core failed and the cage was evacuated. The core released a massive blast of energy causing significant damage to the surrounding area. We did locate one casualty of the blast, who was immediately transported to Medical for treatment. That person was positively identified as the Third Child, Shinji Ikari."

Stunned silence filled the room, surely the Commander had finally gone mad. Misato simply powered through, "DNA analysis and finger printing all come back positive. Dr. Akagi believes that somehow we have ended up hosts to someone from a parallel world. I won't go into the details as I'm not completely solid on the theory myself. Either way it doesn't matter, Akagi believes there is no way we could send him home."

Touji asked the question on everyones mind, "So what are we going to do?"

"For now we'll treat his wounds and try to help him adjust to his situation. Sub-Commander Fuyutsuki has already performed a cursory interrogation. From what we can tell he's already fought and won this war in his world but with major casualties. We will not be putting him into an Eva unless he consents."

The briefing went on with some idle questions. Touji felt Hikari squeeze his hand tightly, he could guess about where her thoughts were. When Touji glanced back at Rei though he could tell an almost immediate difference. The pale girl had wrapped her arms around herself, almost as if this had been a massive shock to her system.

Nagisa however had a grin on his face Touji really didn't like.

When the briefing was over the three children approached Misato. Hikari was first to speak, "How's Asuka taking this?"

"I haven't told her yet. We still need to decide what to do with him, and I don't think this would help her," Misato said.

Touji nodded, "Anything you need from us, you know we'll do it."

Misato let herself show just a small smile, "Thanks guys. Now get home, it's already getting late."

--

Shinji spent five days in the hospital. On the sixth day Commander Fuyutsuki was given the okay to take him for a walk around the base. What he had been shown and told threatened to tip his already struggling mind over the edge. Unit-02 undamaged, Everyone save his Father alive, The story of his own death. What all of this meant, and the explanation from Fuytusuki and Dr. Akagi, were much too much to handle. He needed time to come to terms with what they had told him.

It was why he found himself tending to the small patch of melons hidden away in an unused part of the GeoFront. Kaji's melon patch. Kaji's final words asked him to look after the plants, so he did. The simple task of watering the growing fruit helped calm him, but brought him no closer to understanding.

"I take it you have an interest in gardening?" a familiar voice asked behind him.

"It's a simple act to raise something up. Helps when all you see around you are dead people," Shinji responded. He turned and there, standing like that day before the fourteenth was Ryoji Kaji. Seeing this incarnation of the man he had come to think of as a brother to him hurt. It was a reminder that everyone he had known was dead.

"I have to say, I'm not used to seeing ghosts walk the Earth myself," Kaji replied.

Kaji walked up to the boy and watched as he cut away some dead vines from the melon patch. "You're rather good at this."

"The last thing you ever asked of me was to tend to your flowers for you," Shinji said.

Kaji nodded, "And now here you are, in a completely new world. Must be interesting."

Shinji sighed, "I don't know yet."

Shinji sat the watering can and vine knife away. He walked past Kaji and headed to a bench not far from the melon patch. Kaji followed and sat down next to the boy. Kaji had always been a good judge of character. His impression of the Third Child had always been of a boy with great potential thrown into unimaginable circumstances. That wasn't the impression however he got of this Shinji Ikari. The boys face, the eyes, the lines and wrinkles that had already formed showed. This boy suffered, and suffered greatly.

"Their deaths are my fault, their blood is on my hands, and now I have to try to live with that while seeing their faces everyday now," Shinji said.

"Katsuragi and I have both had to kill during our time as Soldiers. I have to admit, taking a life isn't something you get over easily if at all. The question though is, did you pull the trigger that took them?"

Shinji shook his head and stood, "Doesn't matter, at the end I was so ready to die I had to be pulled to Unit-01 by Misato. She died protecting me when I didn't deserve it, even kissed me to get me in the elevator. I could taste her blood on my lips. Asuka died because I couldn't get to Unit-01 in time, maybe if I had actually wanted to live I could have gotten there before they filled the cage with Bakelite."

Shinji ran his good hand over his eyes, "I can still hear her screams as those white bastards tore her apart. I'll never be able to sleep without hearing them, or close my eyes without seeing Unit-02 ravaged."

Kaji didn't say anything immediately, taking in what he had heard. There was a large weight on the boys shoulders, this he could see. The problem was he wasn't sure if he should try to take that weight off, or make him bare it. He didn't know if the boy deserved his guilt.

So he asked the question, "I'm assuming that things got really bad after the Twelfth for you?"

"Yeah, that's when everything started really falling apart."

"I suppose then as bad as things are for us if it keeps going along this track then we can expect the same."

Neither spoke for a moment. Shinji was trying to drum up the courage to ask the questions he had been wanting to ask since this occurred. Since he had lost his world forever.

"How are they?"

Kaji didn't need to ask to know whom the boy was talking about, "Touji was injured about as you remember in Unit-03. Rei hasn't been the same since your death, and losing Commander Ikari as well has only caused her to retreat more into herself. As much as you may not want to believe it you and he were as close to her as any family. She lost that, and hasn't been the same sense."

Shinji chuckled bitterly, "You have no idea how close to being her brother I really am."

Kaji felt there was something more to that but filed it away for later. Now wasn't a time for interrogation. "Misato took over as Commander. Fuyutsuki didn't want the job and because of her record the UN didn't want anyone else. It would have taken too long to bring anyone else up to speed on the situation here. She took... his death hard. She took full responsibility for it, even going as far as to offer her resignation if Commander Ikari felt it due. He didn't however, wrote him off as a casualty of war. No blame assigned on anyones part. Just one of the consequence of war. She was however kept off duty for a few weeks due to the stress.

"When Unit-03 was activated Commander Ikari over saw it personally. After the Angel took the Unit over he pushed Ritsuko out of the way of a falling beam. He was crushed and died almost immediately. Fuyutsuki tried his best to get Unit-02 and 00 through the engagement but he was left with no choice but to use Unit-01 and activate the Dummy Plug. He didn't expect it to be so out of control. The system wouldn't even let Central Dogma shut it down until the Entry Plug was crushed. One of Misato's first acts as commander was to prohibit it's use.

"That was six months ago. Suzahara responded well to the prosthetics Ritsuko designed and got put back on the roster. We received the Fifth Child during his rehabilitation. I don't know what to tell you about him."

"Don't bother, I already know what to make of him," Shinji said. The tone of his voice had cooled greatly, to the point Kaji was starting to worry he would go down the road of his father.

"And Asuka...," Kaji didn't get to finish as the alarms went up. The Fourteenth Angel finally decided to arrive.

It was happening all over again, he could feel it. He wanted to run, to hide somewhere and escape this nightmare. Why should he have to relive it?

Unit-02 had already taken position right where he remembered, "Asuka..."

"She's not piloting, that's Nagisa," Kaji said.

"What?"

The roof exploded, the Angel's decent unhindered by force of arms or the plates of armor. As it began it's decent Unit-02 opened fire on the intruder. He didn't know where everyone else was but he knew what had happened last time.

"You don't have to do anything. You've already lived through this hell, and it's not right of us to ask you to do so again."

"Asuka isn't in Unit-02?"

"No, she isn't."

"Why not?"

--

The battle was already going poorly. They had been able to get Unit-03 to the surface to attempt an intercept only to have it's legs and arms cut off by the Angel's ribbons. Unit-02 was stationed for intercept. Asuka didn't want to watch Nagisa pilot her Unit-02. She didn't want to stand there unable to do anything while the Angel's tried to destroy everything.

She didn't have a choice however. After Shinji's death she couldn't hold it together. Touji being crippled was only the icing on the cake. It was shortly after that she had been given the news. The one thing that had kept her from taking her own life. She wrapped her arms around her stomach as she saw the Angel make short work of Unit-02.

She held her ground even as Rei attempted an almost suicidal run at the Angel. All to see her fall as well. This was the end, she could feel it as the Angel leveled the walls in the command center and prepared to incinerate everyone there. She had given up hope long ago yet prayed for a miracle to save them non-the-less.

The purple fist of Unit-01 answered that prayer.

"I beat you back once. Lets see if it's easier the second time you bastard."

Shinji held the angel back, and as he pulled it through to the cages he caught a glimpse of something red in his screen. Unbidden by him the entry plug brought up a magnification window and focused in on Asuka. Kaji had told him of Asuka's breakdown. He had told him that his counterpart in this world had actually had the courage to reach out to her.

He hadn't mentioned she was pregnant.

The Evangelion almost seemed to pause and he could feel a surge from the synchronization between himself and the behemoth. He knew what he was feeling as he pulled the Angel out of the command center and fought it tooth and claw towards the catapult.

"_Since you couldn't save his body like my mother did, you saved his soul within Eva,"_ Shinji thought as he finally got the Angel against the Catapult. He hadn't even registered the loss of Unit-01's left arm when he screamed through the comm, "MISATO!"

She got the message. But as Unit-01 shot through the catapult with the Angel, pressing it's face against the side of the launch tube Asuka grew pale. It was impossible, the dead didn't come back to life. But she couldn't deny the voice. The red head raced with the rest of the command crew to a safe point to watch the battle as the Angel had all but obliterated the command center. Unit-01 fought hard and savage as she watched.

Within the plug Shinji pushed the Evangelion as hard as he could. He knew his chances of finishing this fight before the battery died were minimal. He didn't care. The two souls he could feel within the core of Unit-01 didn't care. All that mattered was keeping the people here safe. Keeping the live and well Second Child and her unborn offspring safe.

And as he fought he felt the Evangelion power down as his back up battery died. He felt the impact of Unit-01's back on the side of the NERV Pyramid, and heard the pounding of the Angel on Unit-01's core. He sat back and closed his eyes.

"I know you can hear me. Both of you. You saw her with your own eyes, you saw the people you fought to protect for so long. You have to do this now. If you don't they will die. Your child will die. If you ever loved them then move this piece of junk and stop the Angel."

The thump of something like a heart filled his ears and before he knew it he was standing on a hill overlooking the city. Shinji didn't need to be told what had happened. That he was aware of what had happened and where he was worried him. However he passed it off on what had happened before coming here. It was why he didn't turn around when he felt someone walk up behind him.

"I thought I had finished with this entire nightmare. I made my choice. So tell me why does it look like I'll have to fight this whole war all over again for completely different people? Why am I going to have to see the faces of the dead brought back to life until it's over?"

"I don't know. I wish I could tell you but I can't."

"You saved his soul here. I know he can leave this place if he wishes. Asuka and his child need him."

"You could always take his place. I've seen into your mind, I know you want some peace from this. You deserve a chance at least to have some happiness."

Shinji shook his head, "No, this is his life. I don't deserve it. I don't deserve any peace when I failed everyone I cared for. I deserve to be the one forced to fight it all over while he takes care of and is loved by the people here. I don't have the right to ask for better then that."

He felt the arms wrap around him and hold him tightly, "Just because this isn't your world, doesn't make you any less my son."

Shinji couldn't help the tears that fell from his eyes as the phantom that was yet wasn't his mother held him tightly.

--

The Angel lay there ravaged, it's body little more then stray pieces of meat after Unit-01 devoured it's core and S2 engine. The command staff was horrified when the armor began bulging and breaking off the arms and legs. Asuka barely registered Maya's screams about the sync ration being over four-hundred percent. Her eyes were transfixed on the Eva.

Her breath caught in her throat as Unit-01 turned it's attention directly on them, on her. Misato tugged on her arm as the Eva walked towards them, trying to pull the Second Child behind her. The Evangelion stood over them then placed it's right hand in front of it's core. No one could see what was happening save for a flash of light. The purple beast kneeled before them all and lowered it's right hand. When it opened it in front of everyone the assembled crowd gasped at the nude body of he third child. The Evvangelion powered down and ejected it's entry plug. The voice from above was the same voice as that of he boy laying before him, "Get him to medical NOW!"

Asuka just looked back and forth between the two, but she never left the side of the unconscious boy. Even as he was settled into a bed for observation. She didn't pay attention to the dopleganger watching them from the widow.

Commander Katsuragi came up beside him, "I don't know how you pulled it off, but thank you."

"She couldn't let him go, just like she couldn't let me go. The only difference was the degree she could save him," Shinji said.

"So what now?"

"He doesn't have to pilot anymore. I will. Let them find some peace in this nightmare world, even if you can't let them leave NERV. I'll handle the rest," Shinji said, his voice low but Misato could hear the pain in it.

"They would be proud of you I think," Misato said

"It doesn't change the fact they are gone. All I see now are ghosts," Shinji said, then turned and left. He was heading in the opposite direction of the excited voices heading for the hospital room. As he made his way he passed the Fifth Child. He was leaning against the wall of the corridor, his arms folded in front of him, head bowed.

"You made an interesting choice, Shinji Ikari."

Shinji stopped walking just beyond Nagisa. He didn't turn back as he said, "I suppose you would say that, Tabris."

If his knowing what the boy really was disturbed Nagisa, the Angel didn't show, "I would have expected you to take his place and make his life your own. Anyone else would have."

"I'm not anyone else," was his only reply as he walked off.

Kaworu smirked as Shinji walked off, "No, you most certainly aren't Shinji Ikari. Things should become much more interesting now."

To Be Continued...

Authors Notes: Read a lot of Shinji crosses the dimensional barrier fics where he ends up being accepted as the original of that world that died. Decided that that was wrong. So I wrote this one.

Final scene is set to _"My Immortal" _by Evanescence from the album _"Fallen"_.

Pre-read by datdude

Next Chapter: Two lovers reunited, one soul alone in war. Nothing is going as it was foreseen, but the lack of foresight is not the lack of plotting.

Next Chapter: Ragged Edges


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